I hope I've done you justice
by SarLei
Summary: An insight into the life of Elsie & Charles Carson.
1. Prologue

**A/N: Most of the characters aren't mine, even though I'd love them to be.**

The room is flooded with the sunlight of a new day. Elisabeth Carson sits on the edge of the bed she has shared with her husband for over forty years. Forty years of love and happiness. Forty years of stubborn arguments, compensation in romantic and virtual ways. Forty years of loss and avail. Forty years that seem to have gone by in such a hurry. So many years of being a unity that had been built on the fundament of love and trust, sincere and caring.

"Mama, are you coming? The car Lord Grantham promised to send is here." Elsie looks up into the face of her little one, their Sophie, who has grown up to be such a beautiful young woman with her father's brown eyes. She is smiling down at her, a shy smile which shows all the emotions she keeps to herself. Just for the moment, her eyes say, just until everything is over. "I'll be down in a minute Sophie, let me just find my gloves." She gets up while Sophie leaves the room and walks to the dresser. When she opens the upper drawer, she finds everything as it has been for years. Her black gloves, simple with only her initials on the edge, next to his gloves, practical but just elegant enough to be proper for his occupation. She reaches for his scarf, feels the soft material and remembers how she has bought it for him three years ago for Christmas. How happy they had been then. She sees little Gracie sitting on the floor, surrounded by wrapping paper, smiling all over as she holds the little dress her Grandma has sewed for her doll. Sees how William, her firstborn, comes into the room, the snow still in his hair, with wood for the fire. Sees Sophie, sitting next to Charles on the settee, thanking him enthusiastically for the book she wanted to read for such a long time, all red cheeks and sparkling eyes. And she is grateful. Grateful for her family, grateful for the life she was allowed to live. With him. With their children.

Elsie knows that the tears will come, like they have every night since his passing. But right now, there is no place for tears. "I hope I've done you justice." she says thinking of the funeral that lies ahead. But she already knows that she has. And so she leaves the room, her husband's wedding band securely wrapped in her hand.

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**This is the prologue of a story about Elsie & Charles Carson and their family, I plan to tell more about their life in later chapters. I hope you liked it! Reviews would be awesome. :)**


	2. April 1920: Don't leave me

Big raindrops are clashing against the window of their room as Elsie lies awake, listening to the deep breathing of her sleeping husband. Her hand is still in his, their fingers entwined. She moves her head to have a look at him, his features so peaceful, finally. This hadn't been an easy day. Of course there were no words spoken, not yet anyway, maybe never. But she knows that this will be her fight and hers alone. The first struggle she will have to endure on her own after so many years of combined strength, combined thoughts and actions.

Next to her Charles suddenly stirs in his sleep, his expression becoming troubled and Elsie puts her hand on his cheek, caresses it softly. _I'm here. It's alright. Everything is alright._ She is here. She will be here. Where else could she be? His features relax and she brings up the courage for a little smile. How often had she looked in this face? She knows every curve, every look, the movement of his lips when he smiles, when he tries to hold back his anger or frustration. _Don't be scared. I'm here. Whatever happens. Where should I go?_

Have a bit more confidence, she thinks then, remembering what he had told her all those years ago. Have a bit more confidence in you Elsie. He is your indulgence. But you are what makes him stronger. And that is all there is to it. Be strong for him. As he has been strong for you so many times. _Please don't leave me. Not like this._ She wants to will herself not to be scared of what could come. She knows how difficult it is for him. To accept such a thing, happening to him who is always dignified and sorted. To accept that he won't be with her in this. _I'm here, I will fight for you._ But how can she? How can she fight when he will leave her? Leave her alone without wanting to. Leave her alone without being able to do anything against it.

"_Elsie?" She just reached out her hand as Charles walked to her, didn't avert her eyes from the sleeping boy. As he took her hand in his, she looked up and smiled at him. _

_"I'm coming in a minute. But just look at him Charles."_

_ Her eyes were shining brightly, full of pride and love. She looked beautiful in the moonlight, sitting on the floor next to the bed of their son. __"He's so perfect. I'd never thought we would be capable of such a thing." _

_He raised his eyebrows. "You had doubts? I would have expected a little more confidence my dear" he said while he sat down behind her, putting his arm around her shoulders. She leaned into him and closed her eyes._

_ "Are you happy Charles? Do we make you happy?" He tightened his embrace and made her look in his face._

_ "Whatever's brought that up, love?" he asked. She moved her hands on top of his. "It's just that I'm so very happy Charles. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, the curtains in the kitchen are still horrible…" _

_Charles had to smile as he thought of the fabric that was lying securely wrapped up behind the books in their parlor. How often had she stood in the kitchen, complaining about how the curtains caught all the sunlight? But being the considerate husband that he was, this would be over soon, with her birthday being only a few days away._

_"Well Elsie, if the only thing that is bothering you are the curtains, I think we better leave our son now and go to bed. Come on." He helped her up and they went to their room. After having put the covers over them, Charles__ took Elsie in his arms and stroked her hair. "Oh and Elsie?" _

_"Mmmh" she murmured while moving closer to him, knowing that his embrace was enough of an answer. "I'm very happy. Leaving aside the curtains in the kitchen, that is."_

Now, over thirty years later, she feels how Charles takes hold of her hand on his cheek.

"Go to sleep, Elsie." _Please don't worry about it. Not yet. Not as long as I can do it for you. Let me make it easier now. Just sleep. I'm still here. I will be as long as I can. I love you. I love you._

Elsie has no idea what she is facing. Charles has no idea what they are facing. All they know is that something is terribly wrong. At first, they had been able to simply overlook it. He is stressed, he has to work less, she had told herself. He forgets to lock the door at night because his thoughts are already on what has to be done the next day. He doesn't remember the last chapter of the book you read together because he has been deep in thoughts last evening.

He can't attach his tie anymore. He has forgotten how. _Don't, please, don't leave me. Not like this. _She had seen the fear in his eyes when he had asked her to attach his tie this morning. _What happens to me Elsie? _

"I might have had a little too much wine last night." he had said, followed by an awkward smile which she had returned. _Oh God. Not this. Not like this. _

His expression had shown defeat when he had straightened his tie. _What is all this? I cannot seem to… What is all this? _

At night, he had reached out for her hand, like so many times before when something was troubling him. A simple gesture, entwined fingers that tell him that she is still here. The one thing that doesn't change. Her beside him at night. Her in the morning when he opens his eyes and in the evening when he closes them. Her.

"Yes, let's go to sleep." _I love you. It's going to be alright. Don't leave me. Not like this. Not for a long time. I love you. I'm here._

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**I don't know how happy I am with this chapter but hope that you liked it nevertheless. Thanks a lot for the follows & the review, I'd love to hear what you think of this chapter too as I'm not so sure about it. :)**


	3. October 1925: Wherever you are

Elsie stands at the sink and looks out into the garden. Looks at her grandchildren who enjoy the unusually warm, sunny weather. Sees how Gracie throws a ball to her little brother, how John tries to grab it and falls into the leaves, hears the laughter of both. _If you could only see this._

But she knows that he does, knows that he wouldn't miss such a sweet moment for anything in the world. She closes her eyes and feels that he stands behind her, embraces her, his soft breath tickling her neck. _I'm here, my love, I share this with you._

Tears are glistening in her eyes as she opens them again after giving in to her imagination for just one moment. She misses him so much. Since two years she finds herself talking to him constantly, telling him all the things he has to know, all the things she cannot tell anybody else. _Wherever you are, listen._ And as she puts the potatoes on the work surface, her gaze wanders to his portrait, standing next to the bread bin. Her husband in his butler's uniform, so proud, so dignified. So handsome.

"_Elsie? Elsie? Where on earth are you?"_

_ She could hear the excitement in his voice as she made her way down the steps. And as she saw him coming from the kitchen, the sparkle of his eyes and his happy, genuine smile already told her what had happened._

_ "May I present, dear wife, the future butler of Downton Abbey?" he said in his most stern imitation voice that he had used so often for the good-night stories of their children._

_ "Congratulations Mr. Carson." she answered with a warm smile on her face, knowing how much this meant to him. She also knew that his time for their family would be limited from now on but there was no question of him accepting the offer. Of course he would take it._

_ She walked to him and felt his hands on her hip instantly, taking her off the ground to whirl her around. "Oh, Charles, stop it!" she protested amused just as he put her on her own feet again to give her a proper celebration kiss. __"Mama? Papa? What is it?"_

_ Elsie could feel how Sophie dragged at her skirts to end her parent's embrace so that they could tell her why her Papa was home so early today. "I'm butler now Soph." Charles said as he scooped her up in his arms. "Is that something good?" she asked with wide eyes starring at her mother in slight incomprehension. "Does it mean we can have cake?" _

_Elsie laughed. "Yes, precious, come on into the kitchen, let's prepare a fine dinner for your Pa."_

_ Charles had to smile at the sight that greeted him a few minutes later. Elsie, helping their daughter who was sitting on the work surface close to the bread bin with cutting the vegetables. Yes, indeed, their daughter was so very precious he thought before he went in to join them. _

When she looks out of the window again, she sees how John tries to catch his big sister, runs after her, red-faced and nearly out of breath. His dark curls are falling in his face. Such familiar hair. Such a familiar, stubborn aim to get things right. If you play tag, you have to catch somebody. _He is so like you, you know. _

Elsie chuckles as she thinks back at how John had stood in the doorway of the kitchen this morning, raising his eyebrows at the porridge she had made for him. _It doesn't look like the porridge Mama makes Granny. It's different. Something good doesn't have to change, does it? _But, just as it had always been with her husband, she had persuaded him to try the porridge and succeeded. _Just like you, afraid of change. But he learns, just as you have learned. He will become a handsome young lad. Just like you have been. Just like you. _

She washes her hands then, leaves the potatoes next to the portrait of her husband and goes outside to join her grandchildren on a beautiful autumn day in Yorkshire.

"_Miss Hughes? Just a moment Miss Hughes."_

_ "Yes?" she answered to the deep, rich voice, looking back over her shoulder. "I just wondered… as your cousin has just told me that you are going to leave for Scotland again in a few days, I wondered if I might write to you?" _

_Elsie looked into the face of that tall, young man, his hair that had been so properly arranged at the beginning of the evening now a little more jumbled, his cheeks slightly red from the beer and the dancing. She had enjoyed the few weeks in Yorkshire she had spend with her aunt and cousins to help on their farm after the death of her uncle. A change from the usual scenery of her life, a chance to get away from the worrying glances of her mother and the careful, strict eyes of her father. _

_But why would a footman of the Abbey want to write to her? And such a good looking one in addition? She had enjoyed dancing with him. His arm around her waist had felt right. But any sort of romance was so far from her mind at that moment, especially because she had to go home in a few days, to see how Grandma was doing, to show her mother that, yes indeed, she was alright and to make sure that her father and sister didn't find themselves in hot-tempered arguments too often._

_Yet as he was standing there in front of her __with a small, hopeful smile on his face, she realized that yes, maybe a letter from him would be nice, even if it would probably cause her a lot of trouble with her father._

_ "I think you don't need my permission to post a letter Mr. Carson, do you?" With that she took one last look at him, gave him a dashing smile and made her way to her cousins who had promised their mother to take her back to the farm before midnight._

Elsie has just put away her book as she hears a faint knock on the door. A few seconds later, Gracie's head appears in the door, her curly hair disheveled and her cheeks slightly red from the effort of being quiet as to not wake her brother. "Granny? I couldn't sleep." she whispers, giving her Grandma an apologizing smile that also shows exactly what's on her mind. _Can I, please? I know that I'm older now. But still?_

"Come here then." Elsie says as she holds up the covers for her to crawl in. Gracie cuddles up to her and Elsie lays her arms around her in a warm embrace. _My first one, my pretty girl full of wit. _She reaches over to the bedside table and turns out the light.

After a few moments, Gracie looks up at her. "I bet Grandpa is looking down at us now. Goodnight Grandpa, wherever you are." Elsie smiles softly at her. _So you know it too._

And in this moment, as she kisses her granddaughter goodnight for the second time that evening, she finds herself being happy and relieved. Happy because yes, he is still here with them, watches them, keeps an eye on them. He must be. Relieved because he is there too, wherever it is, with another little girl that he loves, that they both love. A girl that has been in their hearts for such a long time, a sweet, little face so dear to them, beautiful memories connected to her, mixed with the devastating sorrow of a sudden goodbye, too soon, much too soon.

And as she has done so often before, Elsie says her silent prayer. _Take care of her Charles. Be happy Alice. Sleep well. I love you both. So much. Good night._

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**There we go, another chapter of which I hope that again, you like it. Reviews would be terribly appreciated! :)**


	4. January 1916: Hopefully soon

**A/N: I'm sorry it took me so long to update this. Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews, they made me so happy!**

The snow is falling heavily as Charles makes his way through their front garden. He can see Elsie potter about in the kitchen, her hair is applied differently this evening. Softer. _Still so beautiful._

In just that moment, she lifts her head and sees him coming and the little smile he got to know so well over the years appears immediately in her face. Shows him she's still happy to see him. Reminds him how happy he still is to see her. _Welcome home, love. _

When he opens the door, Sophie comes running down the stairs, throws herself in his arms and kisses him enthusiastically on the cheek. "I'm very happy to see you as well, dear." he says, smiling benignly._ My lovely, crazy, precious youngest._ And then she is off again, running up the stairs, mumbling something about a book she simply has to show him.

In the kitchen, he finds Elsie setting the table, her moves as sure as always. But he senses that something is wrong nevertheless. _Always so attentive to what others feel. Always so withdrawn when you yourself are concerned._ _What is the matter, Elsie? _She looks up and sees the silent question in his eyes, gives him another smile as an answer, slightly forced this time. _Please don't ask. I can't. _

"Your hair is different. It suits you."

"Does it? Sophie arranged it. We might have raised a future lady's maid."

He smiles at her. _You know that you are beautiful to me._ She brushes a strand of hair out of her face and goes to the stove. _If I could only make it easier for you, love._

The fear is everywhere, like a bland veil that falls over everything and everybody. Fear of hearing nothing. Or worse, fear of hearing something. _Please God, don't take away another one of our children. Don't be so cruel._

William has left for France over a year ago. And such a big, blank space had remained. A few words of reassurance since then, _I'm fine Mama and Papa, it's tough, but I'm fine. _Charles knows so well how she feels. Sees how she reads between the lines, just like he does, how the fear that shines through breaks her heart. Increases her own fear. Pushes the little of hope that is there even further away. So small compared to the fear anyway.

Behind him, something suddenly shatters. He turns around and looks into the face of his wife that, in this moment, shatters with the plate that fell. Her eyes, after turning to the shards, close quickly, her hand moves to her mouth. _Make it end. Please, make it all end._

Charles takes her hand, leads her out of the shards and when Elsie opens her eyes again, he sees her silent plea. _Tell me he's fine. Help me._ _Please, help me._ And so he does, gathers her in his arms, holds her close. _We're in this together, my love. I won't leave you. I'm here._

He includes Sophie in their embrace when he sees her standing in the door, her big eyes looking at him in question. _What is this, Papa?_ She is still so young. So lighthearted, despite what happens around her. _Everything will be fine, Sophie. We all will be fine. _

He cannot know. But he can hope. And so he does. Hopes for the war to end. Hopes for William to come home. Hopes for her lovely smile he fell in love with all those years ago to come back. _Someday. Hopefully soon._

_He threw his bag on the floor, didn't bother to close the door and practically ran up the stairs. As he reached the door to their bedroom, he opened it carefully, anxiously awaiting the sight that would meet him on the other side. And it couldn't have been a nicer one._

_ Elsie sat on their bed, leaned against the pillows, with a small bundle in her arms. A few strands of her hair had found their way out of her braid, her cheeks were slightly flushed and her eyes sparkling beautifully as she looked down on the new life that had found its way to them just a few hours ago._

_ "Oh Elsie…" was all Charles could say as he made his way to her. She looked up with a bright smile on her face. "Meet your daughter, Mr. Carson." _

_A little overwhelmed, he sat down next to her and looked into the face of his daughter for the first time. "She's beautiful." he murmured as he reached out a finger to caress her cheek. He felt her tiny hand reach for his finger and closing around it._

_ "Say hello to your Papa." Elsie said as she leaned her head against Charles shoulder and closed her eyes for a second. In this moment, everything was like it should be. _

_Feeling Elsie move beside him, Charles tore his gaze away from their little girl, put one arm around his wife and placed a kiss on her hair. "How are you, love?" _

_Elsie opened her eyes and looked up at him. "I'm fine. Still a bit tired. But I'm glad you're here." _

_He chuckled. "You cannot imagine the fright you gave me. I have left immediately. And no train ride has ever felt as long as this one." She gave him a loving smile. _

_"I'm so sorry, Elsie." Charles continued more seriously. "Oh stop it." she answered. "Nobody could know this little lady would be so eager. Besides..."_

_ In this moment, the door flew open and William ran to the bed. "Papa, Papa, you're home! Did you see the baby? It's so small, isn't it? Did you come in a train? Did you bring something for me?"_

_ Both his parents started to laugh as William crawled onto the bed, nearly forgetting to breathe in all the excitement. "Hello Lad." Charles said and drew him into his arms.__"Did you take good care of Mama while I was away?" William nodded and cuddled closer into the solid form of his Papa._

_ "As you can see, we are all very happy to have you back, Mr. Carson." Charles kissed his wife softly on the lips. "You cannot imagine how happy I am to be back, Mrs. Carson." he answered, smiling all over._

_ "Did you think of a name for her yet, love?" he asked then and looked at his daughter again, who was sleeping soundly. "What do you think of Alice?" Elsie said, her expression reflecting all the love she felt for their little one. Charles knew how much her Grandmother had meant to Elsie and as he saw her expression in this moment, he knew that no other name could be more perfect._

_ "Welcome to the family, Alice." he said, took her carefully from her mother's arms and placed a soft kiss on her forehead._

Everything is quiet when Elsie finally lies down. She takes the hand that reaches for her, feels her husband kissing her good-night. She knows how this bloody war affects him. Sees how he gets more frustrated every day. Things cannot be done the way they used to be done anymore. _I'm so sorry about that, love. _

She moves closer to him, he welcomes her in his arms. _We will always be together in this. _It's all they can do. Comfort each other. And wait. _You make all this easier. Thank you._

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**Reviews are, as always, very welcome. :)**


	5. June 1922: Never forget that I love you

**A/N: This chapter has been rather difficult to write, I hope I got it right in the end. Thanks a million for your reviews, I'm so happy you still like this. **

They sit next to each other under the big oak on the hill. The branches and leaves catch the shafts of sunlight, the summer breeze plays with her hair.

Elsie still brings him here now and then. It should break her heart to see him looking down at the Abbey in amazement. But it doesn't. Not really. _For we still sit on that bench together. _

"This is a beautiful estate, Miss Hughes, isn't it?" He smiles at her, almost childlike, like a boy fascinated by a railway locomotive that is passing by. And she knows that she has made him happy with their little walk. _That is all I wanted. _

Charles gaze wanders to the Abbey again and she likes this side of him, the fascinated one, the one that explores and learns. She never got to see much of that in their time together.

And to know that he still loves Downton, in a different way now, without all the memories but nevertheless, warms her heart. _This has always been yours. _

Sometimes, she catches him looking at her, sees how his eyes light up, wonders then if maybe, now and then, he remembers her or a glimpse of their life. He never says anything, never gives any indication that he does. But still.

Every morning, when she tiptoes out of their room before he wakes up, she thinks of the last note he has written to her. _Do never forget that I love you. _It is what keeps her going.

She cannot give up staying with him during the night. They tell her one day it will frighten him, want to spare her the agony of yet another blow. But as long as she can reach out for his hand at night, can feel how he takes it, and if it is only instinctively or comes from years of habit, she can't. She has learned to be content with the little things. _You're still with me. You are still here._ And she knows it is what he would want as well, if he could.

They're still a family. Only now, it's Sophie who reads to Charles & it's Gracie who shows him how to do paper planes. Elsie knows it hurts them. Feels it when William comes in with John on his arm, knowing his father will never realize the little boy he's seeing is his grandson. Feels it when Sophie comes into the kitchen after a few pages, tears in her eyes, telling her Mr. Carson would like to have a cup of tea. But she is so proud of them. And she is aware of the fact that he has told them as well, sometime before. _Never forget that I love you._

Elsie hears Charles moving beside her. He bends down, picks something up from the grass. She sees him blushing a bit as he straightens up, a little daisy in his hand.

"Thank you for bringing me here, Miss." She feels tears swelling in her eyes, cannot give him anything but a small smile and the acceptance of his sincere gift as an answer. _I love you so much, Mr. Carson._

In those moments, the hurt mingles with the knowledge that they will be alright. That she will be alright. _You can still give me so much._

_He heard the train before he saw it. The platform was full of people and that compound feeling of parting and welcome they radiated was felt by him as something special and precious on that day. As the train came in, a smile settled on his face and his eyes wandered to the third class compartments. Soon she would finally be here. _

_As Elsie realized that the train came to a halt, she grabbed her handbag and case, checked her looks one final time in the window and made her way to the doorway. She tried to find him on the crowded platform and didn't succeed. But she knew he would be there just as he had promised in his last letter.__The nervousness of the last days was gone, curiosity and the strangest feeling of being utterly happy about seeing him again had replaced it. _

_Elsie had only just stepped out of the train as she heard him calling out for her. His voice sounded a little nervous, yet she felt nobody else could say her name as nice as he did. __When she turned around and they looked at each other, both realized in the same moment that nothing had changed, that the distance and the letters hadn't created an illusion but had strengthened this strange feeling that might be love and couldn't be anything else at the same time. _

_Charles walked towards her, took her suitcase and her hand. Not a word was spoken as they made their way through the crowd, nor while they walked hand in hand through the little village. Elsie could see Mrs. Kober waving at them with a knowing smile on her face, felt how Charles gave her hand a little squeeze._

_ When they reached the little path that would bring them to her aunt's farm, he dropped her case, brought her face closer to his own and kissed her, shy at the beginning, bolder when he felt her smiling against his lips. This was all so new to them. But they both knew it was exactly what they wanted._

_ They let go of each other after a few moments, both smiling heavily. "Welcome to Yorkshire, Miss soon to be Mrs. Carson." _

_Elsie couldn't help but laugh out loud, the thought still seemed so surreal. And so wonderful. _

_How he loved her laughter. What a beautiful bride she would be. Only a few weeks more, only some more preparations to be made for their new home, their life together._

Elsie looks at some birds nearby. A few more minutes of quiet nearness pass.

"Shall we go back, Mr. Carson?" He gives her a pleasant smile and nods. _Thank you for being kind to me._

She takes him by the hand and stands up. He allows her to keep his hand in hers as they walk. Allows her a short moment of peace. It's a memory coming back to life again. _You might not know my name anymore. But_ _you're still my man._

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**Reviews are more than welcome, I'd love to hear what you think. :)**


	6. August 1905: I've got you

**A/N: First of all, thank you so much for your lovely, thoughtful reviews. It makes me so happy to know you still enjoy this little piece. **

Elsie hears their happy chatter as she takes the laundry down from the clothes line. She smiles at them when they reach the gate, looks at Sophie with her hair all messed up and her dress full of mud. Chuckles. _Oh, precious, what happened to you?_

William, his sleeves rolled up and with a smirk on his face, holds Sophie's hand and practically drags her into the garden. Sometimes, Elsie wonders how fast the years can go by. Her eldest has his own life now, at the stables of the Abbey, with his friends, his work and the lovely young woman he seems to spend a lot of time with lately. _My little boy, all grown-up. And so good at it. _

In this moment, she cannot help but see her third child coming through the gate as well. Her little girl with unruly hair and big brown eyes. _And the loveliest smile._ Elsie sees her older now, with long, brown curls, imagines how she takes Sophie's other hand, laughs with her siblings. _Allie. My baby. _

Her thoughts are interrupted by Sophie's voice, calling for her, and Elsie sees her running towards her. She kneels down and opens her arms, feels how her daughter lets herself fall into them. _I've got you, sweet, I've got you._

She has done this so many times, with all of her little ones. She can still see the face of each when they come running. Laughing, crying. Huffy or genuinely happy. And now, as she holds Sophie tight, listens to her telling about her adventures at the stream, her eyes close for a moment and the picture of her middle one flashes before her. _I've still got you too, Alice. _

„_Oh, Papa! Papa, look!" William stood in the stream, his trousers turned up but wet nevertheless and pointed at the water with a look of sheer amazement on his face. _

_Charles grabbed Alice who toddled around the rug Elsie was sitting on and threw her in the air. He was rewarded with a fit of giggles from his keen two year old daughter. "What is it, son?" he asked while making his way to the stream. _

"_The fishes Papa, so many! Look!" And indeed, a whole school of fishes was swimming around his little feet, excitedly observed by his curious eyes. _

_Elsie couldn't help but laugh out loud at the scene in front of her. There it was, her wonderful little family, enjoying a lovely Saturday afternoon together, a chance they didn't get too often. Charles turned his head and looked at her, his expression showing her all the love and appreciation he felt for her, their children. She just adored him._

_He put Alice down, whispered something into her ear and rolled up his sleeves and trousers, ready to join William in the water. Alice made her way back to her Mama, picking up grass on the way and was welcomed into the open arms of Elsie. "Now, little one, what are we going to do with all that grass?" she asked and pressed a kiss on Alice's forehead. _

_Alice looked up at her and pointed to the stream, mumbling something. "What, do you want to join them, love?" Alice nodded, exclaimed: "Yes, Mama." and toddled away. Elsie got rid of her shoes and took her daughter's hand. _

_Charles, who was busy with splashing water all over William, was surprised a little later when he felt water splashing all over his back. He turned around and saw his wife sitting at the brim of the stream, her feet in the clear water, their daughter on her lap, both laughing about their little game. An image to preserve, he thought. Elsie's hair which was glimmering in the sunshine, Alice's little feet that tried to reach the water. His women. His beautiful, lovely girls. _

Later, after dinner, Elsie comes up the stairs, the folded laundry in her arms. She can hear William cheering his little sister on. "Put your legs higher, Soph, come on. And faster now, that's it." Sophie's giggles follow. When Elsie reaches the door, she can see them both lying on the floor, riding imaginary bicycles. _So you love it too, precious. _

She smiles as her eyes get flooded with tears. It happens sometimes. _You loved that so much, Allie. So much._

William grabs Sophie then, starts to tickle her and, while doing so, looks up to his mother. When their eyes meet, a single tear finds her way down Elsie's cheek. William gets up and comes over to her, takes her hand and smiles down at her before hugging her tightly. _It's alright Mama. I miss doing it with her, too. _

Elsie returns the embrace, presses her face into his shoulder for a moment. When they let go of each other, her hand cups his cheek and it is her turn to smile up at him. _I'm so proud of you. _

"_You're not serious?" Elsie stood in their bedroom, the fresh sheets in her hands and looked at him in disbelief. "I'm sorry, Elsie, but there is nothing I can do about it." _

_Charles saw how she bit her lip, not a good sign. "Nothing to be done about it. I see." Her expression showed feigned indifference. She put the sheets down on the dresser and walked to the bed. _

_Knowing that he couldn't leave it at that, Charles went after her and put his hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry, love." She whirled around, all acted composure forgotten. "I'm sorry too, Charles." Her voice grew louder. "I'm sorry to tell our daughter that her father sadly won't make it for her birthday, that he's not only working but that he will spend the weekend in London." _

_She threw an angry look at him. "Do you know how much she was talking about it in the last few weeks? After you promised to spend her whole birthday with her? Because that is what you did, Charles. You promised it and she hasn't been talking about anything else than her bloody birthday which will be spent with Papa at the ruins. God, she's even chosen the book you have to read to her!" _

_Elsie turned to grab the sheets and threw them on the bed. Charles knew she had a right to be angry. But still, this wasn't completely fair on him. There were things nobody could do anything about. _

"_Elsie, there is…" he started but she didn't let him finish. "Leave me alone, Charles." He saw how she grabbed a pillow and threw it to the other end of the bed. _

_When he calmly said her name, she turned to him, looking radiant in her anger. "For God's sake Charles, leave me be! Go downstairs and read to Sophie now or do whatever you want to do. I don't bloody care. Just get out of my way." _

_Charles gently captured a strand of her hair and tucked it behind her ear, kissed her softly on the temple and told her that he loved her before going out of the room. He knew he had to give her a bit of time. She would be ready to discuss it. As soon as the Scottish in her would have calmed down a bit._

_Quietly, he went outside and saw Sophie running after a butterfly. Charles joined in on the little race, much to the delight of his youngest. Upstairs, Elsie could see them running around and her anger gave way to disappointment. This wasn't fair on any of them. _

When Charles opens the front door, he notices that there's still light in the parlour. He gets rid of his shoes and tiptoes silently to the door, opens it carefully and is met by the sight of his sleeping wife. Her hair is already down for the night, the book she read lies on her lap._ I don't deserve such beauty. _

He smiles sadly when he realizes that Elsie's fingers are clasped around the little locket she wears around her neck. _So it has been one of those days. _He goes to her, softly loosens the locket from her hand and kisses it. _Sleep tight, Allie. _

Then he takes the book, places it on the little table, next to the cup of tea Elsie hasn't finished. When he reaches for her and picks her up, she stirs slightly.

"Shh, love." he says. _I've got you. Always._

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	7. May 1901: This can't be

**A/N: As always, thank you for your lovely reviews, they mean a lot to me. **

When Elsie opens her eyes, their bedroom is bathed in bright light and she can hear the birds sing through the open window. Summer isn't far away now. Next to her, Charles is still asleep, a content expression on his face. She smiles. _You deserve it, love._

She gets up, takes her cardigan and makes her way downstairs. On the kitchen table, she finds a note from William, obviously written in haste, informing her he would be away for the day. She smiles again. _Enjoy life, my pet. _

Charles finds his wife sitting in the kitchen, her account book in front of her. She's still wearing her nightgown, holds a pen in one hand and plays with some loose strands of hair with her other one. _There you are, Elsie. _

Her eyes wander over the charts continuously, resting only rarely on a number that needs to be corrected. He leans against the door frame, content to just watch her for a while. _I will never tire of looking at you, my sweet._

She sees him standing in the doorway from the corner of her eye, feels how his eyes rest on her and smiles for a third time this morning. Then, suddenly, it hits her. The pen falls from her hand and she looks up, realization dawning on her face. _This can't be._ She turns to her husband and feels tears coming to her eyes. She can't help herself. _Oh God. This can't be. _

_Charles heard her humming as he made his way up to their little cottage. The last rays of sunshine filled the garden with beautiful light and as he saw her taking the washing from the line, saw how carefree and happy she seemed, he couldn't help but stare a bit. _

_It had been months since their wedding, but she still amazed him every day. After a few moments, he walked to her and put his arms around her from behind. _

_Elsie startled a little before she relaxed into the embrace of her husband. She had been lost in thought, thinking about her life in Yorkshire and how it made her happier than she could have ever expected. Thinking about how happy he made her. _

_She had always dreaded being so far away from her family in Scotland so suddenly, had been afraid that it was too much of a change in such a short lapse of time. But things had turned out just fine. She had made friends, grew very fond of Charles family and loved having her own household to run while still being independent in a way, working in the local shop for a few days each week. And now, with the little addition to their family on the way, she had everything she needed to be thoroughly happy._

_Charles felt her head turning on his shoulder, looked into her dark eyes seconds later and saw her beautiful smile forming on her lips. "Hi, love." she said, her smile widening. He bent down and kissed her lightly, considering that they were standing in the front garden. _

_Elsie turned around then, took his hands and placed them on her perfectly rounded belly. "Hello, little one." he said, a broad smile spreading over his face as he felt their baby moving. He still couldn't take it in sometimes. _

_As soon as the laundry was in the basket, they went into the cottage hand in hand. "Care for some dinner?" Elsie asked. Charles closed the door behind them. "I think I've got a better idea." he said, smirking. She raised an eyebrow and glanced at him in faked horror. Then Elsie Carson kissed her husband senseless._

As soon as the door closes behind her, Elsie walks. Walks out of the village and passes their cottage, for she can't face him just yet. Walks until she reaches the bench on the hill, under the big oak, and finally sits down. _How can this be? _

Her mind gets flooded with pictures of times long gone. Pictures of William, asleep on his Papa's chest. Taking his first steps in the kitchen. Grabbing strands of her hair.

Pictures of Alice as well, crawling around the furniture in excitement. Taking a nap on the doormat. Saying Mama for the first time. _Mama. Mama._

And now, they were going to have another baby. _I cannot do this. _

The tears start falling and she doesn't want them to. She should be so happy about this. And yet, the fear encloses her, leaves no space for anything else. In the end, everything comes down to it. This one moment she still cannot grasp and will never be able to understand. _Why her? Why my baby?_

A mother should protect her children. _And I haven't protected you. Not enough_. She's been at this point so often. And she knows that she is wrong to think of it all as her fault. But it still hurts so much. And she simply doesn't know how she can do it yet again, go through it all, knowing what might happen. _I cannot do this._

But just then, she notices that her hand lies on her stomach, lingers there. How it got there, she doesn't know. Unconscious action can be a blessing, in this case it is what makes her realize that, while all fear and guilt will certainly always be a part of her, being a mother with all her heart is as well. And no child of her should ever think it isn't wanted, for that could never be true. She wills her tears to stop. _I'm sorry, little one. I'm so sorry. _

_She sat at the edge of the bed, a wet flannel in her hand and looked down at the small form of her daughter. Her damp curls clung to her face and she grimaced every now and then, lost in her feverish dreams. _

_Elsie pushed the strands of hair away softly and caressed Alice's cheek. "It's alright, Allie, Mama is here. You're alright, I'm right here." she said quietly, trying to sound confident._

_She hadn't slept properly for three days and exhaustion started to take a toll on her. But she couldn't leave her baby alone, not now, with her fever not breaking and the doctor being at a loss about what was wrong with her. Silently, Elsie concentrated on her daughter's breathing and realized that it was a bit ragged. _

_Just in that moment, the door opened and Charles slipped in. Elsie looked up at him and asked: "Is William alright?" He went over to her and started to stroke her shoulders. _

"_He's just fine. Mother spoils him rotten, I'm afraid. She sends her love." Elsie gave him a small smile. "How is she, love?" he asked then, his voice calm and rational. And with that, a dam broke. _

_She let out a sob and felt Charles arms around her in an instant. "She'll be fine, you know." he said after letting her cry for a while and caressed her hair softly. "Our Allie is a fighter, Elsie. Just like you."_

_Elsie felt how her husband's embrace gave her the strength she so desperately needed. She willed herself to stop crying, it wouldn't do to dwell on it all now._

_She stepped back, cupped Charles cheek and kissed him, thanked him with a few whispered words and took her place at the edge of the bed again. Willing her daughter to get better. Willing her daughter to live. _

"_I'll make us a cup of tea." Charles said from the door before he went out. In the kitchen, he prayed for everything to turn out all right. _

When Charles sits down next to her, Elsie takes his hand. He moves his thumb over her knuckles lightly, again and again, knowing she will talk to him when she is ready. After a few minutes, she faces him and he can see fear in her eyes. Fear, but determination as well.

"We're going to have a baby."

And everything makes sense now. _Oh my love. Oh Elsie._

Charles clasps her hands in his and smiles at her. _It's alright to be scared, love. But for now, we're going to be happy._

Elsie smiles back at him and he pulls her into his arms, holds her tight. Her fear is pushed back by his certainty, her happiness awakened by his own. He nuzzles her hair. _That's the spirit, love._

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